In the past week I have created an About.me, a blog, a Twitter, a Linked In account and an online dating profile. These profiles were required for the class to help us find jobs when we graduate. I didn’t want any of these things but I was told to make them, well… everything except the online dating profile.
It was never my plan in life to create an online dating profile. Personally, I think people on online dating websites smell like hamster cages and are socially awkward.
I want to find love generically. I want to find love like in the movies where I am running through a scenic park and trip on something ridiculous like a leaf and fall into someone’s drop-dead-gorgeous body like Bradley Cooper and his strong arms catch my fall, pick me up and lay me on a bench and offers me water from his Camelback. This will then lead us to our first kiss and we live happily ever after.
But I have come to realize this will never happen because I never go running. In real life when I fall, you know who catches me? The bouncer.
Anyways, so I made an online dating profile on OKCupid.
It all started when I was Googling masculinity tests online for a program to prove that the level of your masculinity does not determine your sexuality. The first one that popped up was OKCupid. At first I was hesitant, but it said no profile needed to take the test. Great right? So I start taking the masculinity test which was only 10 questions. Then I the hit button on the bottom that said, “view your results,” which takes me to a page that said, “To view your results, you must first sign in or create and account.”
A little of me died inside as I rolled my eyes and dropped my head. I don’t want to be one of those people who smells like a hamster cage. If any of my friends found out that I made a dating profile they would say, “So, you couldn’t lose your virginity in real life, you’re going to try to lose it online?”
This is how my friends and I encourage each other to be better people.
So I ended up creating and account, but I told myself, it is only for my program, once I get the information I will delete the account before anyone knows.
That didn’t happen at all.
I first see “Getting Started” where I could use Facebook for a faster sign up or put in all my information manually. There was no way I was going to let all of my mother’s friends and family know I am still a lonely single virgin, so I put in all of the information myself.
Then it starts asking me to answer a couple of questions to understand my personality before it can show me my masculinity results. Perfect. So I get asked questions like:
1.) If forced to choose, would you give up
The right to vote
The right to bear arms
7.) STALE is to STEAL as 89475 is to:
My answer: 98754
Correct answer: 89547
HOW THE F did I mess that UP, now I look stupid on this dating profile. It took me 30 minutes to answer that question. And I can’t go back to change it to make myself seem smart until 24 hours have passed. I don’t even… okay whatever.
So after 10 questions of that, I click the button to move on, but then it tells me, “You must first answer 50 questions before you can move on.” FML.
The more questions I answer the more I am invested in my profile. After I answer all 50 questions, it tells me to select three guys I am interested in to get a feel of my type. I could have just selected three random guys, but I took my sweet time and selected the ones with shirtless profile pictures with defined abs to let it know my type is ‘way out of my league.’
Then I hear a ring and see a note that says, “You have a new message.” My heart dropped, my face light up and I peed a little. My Bradley Cooper had finally found me and wanted to marry me. I clicked the inbox to where I received a message from the creators of OKCupid and wanted to know if I wanted to pay for a premium account. I sure did.
Then, more rings went off alerting me that eight people are looking at my profile and that everyone is interested in me. I felt like the cool kid in elementary who brought Hot Cheetos to recess and all the popular kids couldn’t get enough of me, or my Cheetos.
I thought hmm… maybe if I added a photo of myself, more people would like me. As soon as I did I received a message from the hottest bear (hairy muscular gay man) who said, “Oh my god. You might be the cutest thing I have ever seen.” This might be the first time he has said this to anyone. My Bradley Cooper had come at last.
I then accidentally clicked on someone else’s profile in my excitement. He was very attractive and had the funniest bio. Some of the things he said were:
“I’m constantly a bridesmaid, never a bride, and always the first mate’s bitch. If you’re miss universe, I’m miss Tulsa.”
I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I decided that it would be a good idea to fill in my bio if I wanted people to know the real me. This was my opening:
I wake up from a California King Bed covered by a laced canopy and to the songs of canaries flying through my window each morning. Then Beyonce, my personal assistant, walks into my room with a cup of coffee and a buttered muffin wearing 6 in. Tom Ford Heels and tells me I am beautiful. Then I do a full-body workout and it only takes 3 min and Beyonce wipes my head with a towel. I take a shower and turn on the news and every news anchor on Fox, CNN, ABC News and E! are talking about my theory about viruses and how they were created in the future and sent back in time for population control.
Then I hear the sound of my alarm to a message that says “Wake up Bitch, you’ve never liked buttered muffins!”
My hubby then messaged me saying, “And your profile deserves a Pulitzer.”
That was it. I found the love of my life in two hours on an online dating website. I replied to him a couple times. We are taking it slow for now. We just started talking two days ago.
I never did see my masculinity results. I forgot all about them. I still don’t know where they are. I was completely sucked into OKCupid. It kept telling me how great I am and how everyone can’t get enough of me. I felt like Jennifer Lawrence after the Hunger Games premiered. Everyone cared about me and thought I was the best. As a public relations major I have decided this was the best way to get people to love your client’s product and image. Make it about the person. Everyone is interested in themself.
An article from Forbs Magazine, “To Succeed in Sales, Suspend Your Self-Interest,” quoted Bob Burg who said, “Top salespeople, the best of the best, understand that when it comes to selling, it isn’t about them or their product or service. It’s about the other person and how they benefit from it.”
C.E.L PR and Marketing Firm said that one of the five ways to reap results the field is to be authentic and ask yourself “what value do you bring to your customers? It’s not about you. It’s about them, so how can you give them what they need to make their lives easier and bring them success?”
I am an idiot who fell in love with OKSTUPID because it has mastered the art of making it all about me.